Some Other Bailouts That Should Have Been…

Considering the extreme fallout from failure of the auto industry has caused me to review history for similar cataclysms from the past. Thank goodness we didn’t allow these two major strongholds of American consumerism to fall by the wayside in preference for movement forward.

The slide rule industry. With the unfair competition imposed by the nerds of society, the slide rule unions are calling ‘FOUL!’. Quotes from union pickets in front of upstart companies Sierra Online and MicroSoft range from “You can’t send a man to the moon using a keyboard! Ridiculous! You have to have a slide rule. Just take a look at the movie Apollo 13!” to “If we keep buying computers, what will our kids cipher on?” And this gem, “Google? Nobody could ever count that high, anyway!”

The Buggy Whip industry. There are more and more disturbing sightings of the so-called ‘horseless carriage’ these days. The idea that a refined gentleman would prefer transport in one of those hideous contraptions instead of a carriage? Preposterous! Robert Ezekiel, local steward of IBOB (International Brotherhood Of Buggywhipmakers) stated that the demise of the buggy whip manufacturing complex would spell doom for the entire livelihood of the whole world. States IBOB’s Bob, “Without buggy whips, the horses will not move, paralyzing completely the economy of America. Without buggy whips, there is no reason for leather, thus there is simply no reason to raise cattle. America cannot be expected to wear enough shoes to absorb the excess.” (editor’s note: the steward of the cattle-for-beef union remains in a coma from a random act of violence and could not be revived for comment on this article).

Clearly, if either of these industries is allowed to fail, it will spell certain doom for all of America. Please, learn from history. And don’t forget what $4 per gallon gasoline felt like.